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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584088">digital versicolor</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnviousHera/pseuds/EnviousHera'>EnviousHera</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Casual Sex, Dangerous Kylo Ren, Dark Reylo, Date Rape, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drugged Sex, EHA, F/M, Force Healing (kind of?), Friends to Lovers, Good Friend Rose Tico, Goofy Ben Solo, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren &amp; Ben Solo are Different People, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, M/M, Meeting Strangers Online, Multi, Naive Rey, Obsessive Kylo Ren, On Hiatus, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Rey (Star Wars), Protective Ben Solo, Recreational Drug Use, Rey &amp; Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Rey Needs A Hug, Rose/Finn/Poe Throuple, Soft Ben Solo, Stalking, Strangers, Sweet Ben Solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:42:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnviousHera/pseuds/EnviousHera</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Meeting strangers off the internet has never gone wrong for Rey before. Why should this time be any different?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn/Rose Tico, Rey &amp; Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. this is red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Ben and Kylo are cousins, and don't look ~exactly~ alike. so. yeah. </p><p>This is dark, as per usual. Mind the tags and let me know if I should add any more trigger warnings.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>heyo fam wassgood follow me on Twitter @envious_hera for polls, updates, bullshit and send me some prompts if ya like 🖤</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Another Friday night, another dick appointment. It's summer time, for fuck sake, and I'm itching to get into trouble. Granddad just moved into an old folks home and I inherited the house, which is all paid off. I live alone now, and my summertime motto is back on: </p><p>
  <i>Less clothes - more boys. </i>
</p><p>I shoot Kylo back a text to let him know I'm gonna leave in about ten minutes and grin at my reflection. He added me on Facebook two days ago and he's so hot, I have to go. How could I resist? It's not everyday an actually good looking guy slides into my DMs. Usually they're just ugly fuckboys I went to elementary school with. </p><p>Disgusting.</p><p>"Okay but you're seriously blowing me off? For a stranger? <i>Again?</i>" Rose groans obnoxiously as she rolls all over in my messy bed, making it somehow messier. "Dude - come onnnnn! Can't we just get drunk here?" </p><p>She's whining, being <i>really</i> fucking annoying, but she can't sway me. Not tonight. I kind of want to push her off my bed and roll her up in the blankets to save for later, like a little Tico Burrito. Or a... Tico taco. 

I'm hungry.</p><p>I shake my head, irritated. "No - dude -" I roll my Kylie lip gloss across my lips and smack them together. "I <i>need</i> to get some dick before I shrivel up and <i>die</i>." I growl dramatically. </p><p>Billie Eilish plays on the TV.</p><p>I practice smiling, checking for gloss on my teeth. It's true - I'll probably die without physicality. My therapist says I chase sex to replace loneliness but he's just an idiot. I quit taking my medication just to spite him. Stupid ass old man. Degrees don't make you smart - they just make you arrogant.</p><p>"You don't <i>need dick</i>... You're not gonna implode without it." Rose pouts and shoots a hair tie at me that snaps on my elbow. </p><p>I snort and turn off my straightener before swirling around in a half circle to check out my ass in the mirror. Nice. I raise an eyebrow as I focus a deadpan look at her in the mirror. </p><p>"Uh, yeah... Easy for <i>you</i> to say." I point at her reflection. "<i>You</i> get your choice of two dicks whenever you want... Not everyone is so lucky, <i>Rosie.</i>" I make sure to say her name deep and manly and shrug. </p><p>But I'm not bitter. Not at all. Okay, I <i>am</i> but I guess I'm happy for her... The only way you can be when your best friend hits the lottery and doesn't share. </p><p>"Selfish..." I mutter to myself.</p><p>She rolls her eyes and makes a show of hopping off my bed, grabbing her purse, and slips on her shoes. </p><p>"I guess, but you <i>could</i> just hang out with Ben after work and fuck him instead of a <i>stranger.</i>"

I open my mouth to argue that even though I'm a factory of Bad Decisions Only, but she talks over me. 

"I mean, he's kind of cool, I guess... Kind of a dork, too, though. I don't know. You just prefer dick-for-brain idiots, though." She glares at me. "Whatever. I'm getting a sixer of Limeritas and Five Guys since the boys are out tonight. Y'all some hoes, for real..." She grumbles. </p><p>I flick her butt as she passes me, following her out to the living room to gather the rest of my shit. "Five Guys, huh? Two ain't enough?"</p><p>Rose sticks her tongue out at me and I make a snarky face at her. We giggle on the way out to our cars and hug goodbye. </p><p>"Just be safe, okay? Call me when you're on your way home and <i>maybe</i> I'll come back - if I'm not too sloshed." Rose says with a wink. </p><p>"Yeah, sure. See ya later, bitch. Love ya."</p><p>"Love ya, too. Use a condom, Rey! We can't afford 17 abortions! 16 was enough!" She yells, too loud for my neighbors. I snort and I flip her off. </p><p>•••</p><p> </p><p>It's only a three minute drive to Kylo's house. Small town, smaller world. </p><p>I park my car and look at his profile again, flipping through his pictures and narrowing my eyes. He's ridiculously hot, and I really hope he isn't cat fishing me... Wouldn't be the first time, but my friends know the protocol if that happens: </p><p>Call me crying, pretending my parents got into a crash. It's okay to lie about that since they abandoned me as a baby and left me with my bat shit insane and racist granddad. Assholes, all of them. </p><p>I turn off my car once the song I'm listening to is over and open my messages to tell him that I'm here when I get a text from my boss, Ben. I send my text before I open it. </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>Ben Bossy Solo:</i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p><i>hey hey rey rey. need you swap with kaydel tomorrow. half shift. 10am to 3pm. thanks kid. try not to be too hungover this time and be safe. (; </i>
</p><p>He sends another text as I'm reading.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <i>seriously, please be safe. call me if you need me. </i></p><p>
  <i>Received 10:36pm</i>
</p><p> </p><p>I roll my eyes and send back a thumbs up, not really sure what else to say. I need to stop being so open with my boss. He's cool though, and really cute, but even <i>I</i> know better than to dip my toes into hooking up with coworkers. It's a real shame, though. 

Meh. Maybe once I get fired... </p><p>I sigh and get out of my car and knock on the front door. The front yard is mostly dirt, like mine. I'm weirdly not even nervous meeting strangers off the internet anymore. I guess I should be, but people off the internet are just as dangerous as people you meet in real life. Fuck it. 

I adjust my push bra that adds a cup and then the door squeaks open. </p><p>"Well, hellooo babygirl..." A deep voice purrs from the darkness and my skin prickles with excitement. </p><p>A grin spreads across my face as I take his huge form in. </p><p>Shaggy, jet black hair that brushes his huge, bulky shoulders. His huge arms are covered in tattoos and showcased in a black shirt with the sleeves cut off, and he's in black holey jeans. A long scar down his right cheek, and plump, dark pink lips. 

Oh shit. Definitely not a cat fish... </p><p>He's even hotter in person. Thank the fucking Maker! A smirk spreads across his face as his black eyes roam me up and down too, and he steps aside to let me inside.</p><p>"Come on in."</p><p>His house is small, tidy for the most part, and I can't keep my eyes off his made-of-bricks-body and I have to force myself not to jump up and down in celebration. This is gonna be so fucking worth it... </p><p>
  <i>Jack. Fucking. Pot.</i>
</p><p>We head into the garage and sit down on two big, black couches across from each other. They surround a wooden coffee table and I glance at the contents on it: mostly pills scattered around, rolling papers, a bong, a bottle of Jack Daniels about half full, and some ashtrays packed with cigarette butts. </p><p>Kylo picks up a lit cigarette and takes a huge hit, resting his arm on the back of couch and openly stares at me, unashamed. He studies me for a minute while I awkwardly stare at the stuff on the table. My phone dings. There's some foil that looks burnt and a straw resting on it. I don't know enough about drugs to even try to guess what that is. I almost want to ask. </p><p>"You're cute." He says, forcing me to snap my eyes back to him. "Even cuter in person." The smoke pours from his mouth as he talks like a giant, menacing dragon. </p><p>He jerks his chin at me and smirks again. My heart races a little, always a slut for compliments. </p><p>"Oh, thanks! You too." I say, suddenly shy, as I tuck my hair behind my ear. "Can I...?" I nod to the bottle. Need to get drunk as soon as humanly possible and get rid of my random jitters. </p><p>"Sure." He says as he hands me the bottle. He settles back and keeps watching me while I take a few big gulps and shiver lightly. Eugh. Whiskey is gross but whatever. I gulp down a little more and reach into my purse for a cigarette. I only smoke when I drink. Which is almost every night now... Whatever. 

My phone dings, <i>again.</i> Who the hell is texting me? I'm fucking busy, damn it!</p><p>"Whoa there, babygirl. Pace yourself." He chuckles and leans over to snub out his cigarette. </p><p>I wave my hand and giggle. "This ain't my first rodeo."</p><p>He raises an eyebrow and his black eyes glimmer. "Oh yeah? What about your first big cocked bull?" He murmurs and licks his lips. </p><p>"Uhh.." I blink. Jesus <i>Christ</i> he's forward... </p><p>He laughs and shakes his head, his hair bouncing and shining in the florescent lights overhead. It looks so healthy and soft. Wanna pull on it. Or braid it, maybe. </p><p>"Let's play some music. What do you like? Wanna just hook up your phone? I'm gonna go make us actual drinks with ice and shit." He pushes himself up and crosses the room before I can answer. "You like vodka? Ahh, suuuure ya do." </p><p>He's gone, shutting the door just as I open my mouth to answer so I just unlock my phone and open my Spotify to my chill techno playlist. I have a few notifications and I click around on my phone while I wait for him to come back. Ben has texted me twice. I frown and click it open. </p><p>
  <i>Ben Bossy Solo</i> </p><p>
  <i>just a 👍? woooow rude. that's a write up, ya know. how's your little date? need me to come rescue you again?? I got nothin else going on, thanks for asking 🙄</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Received 10:48PM</i>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <i>I was jk but so uh how come we never kick it out of work? i know I'm not a /stranger/ but im pretty fun... we could smoke or whatever. no pressure. whatever.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Received 11:23PM</i>
</p><p> </p><p>My eye brows knit together and I purse my lips. He is pretty fun, but I don't want things to get all dumb and weird... The gang all knows I have a crush on him. He's tall, lanky, with dark brown hair in a dorky hair cut, a goofy laugh. I don't know what to say and my thumbs hover above the keyboard until Kylo comes back. </p><p>He's holding both drinks in one enormous hand, and I briefly daydream what it would be like to feel it wrapped around my throat. I drop my phone back in my purse absentmindedly and take my drink from him. I smile before chugging it down quickly, spilling a little down my chin. </p><p>"You're messy. I like it." Kylo murmurs as he sits next to me this time. His arm wraps around my shoulders and traces a light design on my bare skin. My body heats up by fifteen degrees and I wipe up my wet chin with the back of my hand, nodding my head awkwardly. </p><p>"So... How do you know Ben? It said we were mutual friends on Facebook." I say while I stare at my feet. Ugh, why am I being so weird? It's really not my style at all but I guess maybe he's just kind of... Intimidating. I glance at him and blush. Okay, super intimidating. </p><p>Kylo doesn't take his eyes off me but I notice his finger stutter in its tracing before he answers. "He's my cousin. How do you know him?" He asks, not sounding like he really cares. </p><p>"Oh... Yeah, I guess you guys do kind of look a lot a like now that you say that..." I take a gulp of my drink, careful not to spill this time. "But, uh - he's my boss at the diner. He's super cool. A really good guy. Really.. funny..." I trail off. </p><p>"Mm. I guess so." Kylo mumbles and lifts his arm off of me to pick up something from the table. It's a pill. He pops it, chewing it, and picks up a different one to give me. "You like Xanax?"</p><p>I glance at it before I glance at him and gulp. "Oh, uhh... I don't really -"</p><p>"Take it." He pushes it to my lips. "You need to chill. I can feel your nervous energy rolling off you, and it's bumming me the hell out."</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry! I usu -"</p><p>He pushes it between my lips and the taste is gross enough that I just swallow it dry on instinct. I chase it down with the rest of my drink and cough a little. Jesus. Pushy, much? </p><p>"I'm not gonna like, die if I drink with it, right?" I ask, suddenly even more nervous than I was before. </p><p>"Nah, a few drinks shouldn't hurt. You'll be fine."</p><p>He leans back and sips his drink, his arm returning over my shoulders and pulls me closer. I stare at his black jeans, quietly admiring the contrast of his pale skin against the black. We sit in silence while the music plays and he continues tracing my skin with his short nails and it gives me goosebumps. </p><p>This is... Weird. </p><p>I've never had someone hand feed me drugs before, and I never really take them in the first place. I much prefer to just drink all the time and smoke weed sometimes. Should I be worried? I bite my lip and take a sip. Now I feel bad. Maybe I should just relax... No big deal. I listen to his heart beat, slow and steady and try not to bounce my leg. </p><p> </p><p>After awhile, I do relax, though. </p><p>
  <i>A lot.</i>
</p><p>My eyelids droop and I snuggle closer into his chest, forgetting who he is. I pretend he's Ben instead and day dream while he plays with my hair, stroking it softly. Mmm. Feels nice... I should... Call Ben... Tell him how cute his smile is... What a good hugger he is... Maybe he'll come pick me up... I smile a little. </p><p>"Rey?" Kylo pats my shoulder. </p><p>"Hmm..?" I hum softly. Shit, I'm so tired... </p><p>"Sleepy?" He whispers into my hair. I nod a little in response. So sleepy... </p><p>Suddenly Kylo lifts my chin up and I can barely keep my eyes open. But that's okay, he kind of looks like Ben this way. Kylo stares at me for a minute before he kisses me roughly. I'm too tired to give back much enthusiasm, but I try. I really do. </p><p>He slips his tongue into my mouth and my eyes close completely and my body slumps forward and I drop my drink. The glass shatters on the concrete. Whoops. I can't work anything and he growls a little before he shoves me on my back a little too hard and my head bounces up and down on the cushion. I giggle a little and stretch out.</p><p>"Mmm. Need a nap... I think..." I mumble. Yeah. Just a little nap at a stranger's house. Why not. </p><p>My body jerks a couple times and I don't know why. I hear a bunch of rustling and Kylo muttering under his breath but I can't make any of it out. Meh. Whatever. My phone dings again somewhere far away again and I hope it's Ben. I need to check it... Did I ever reply back? Shoots and ladders, I don't think I did. Dang it. </p><p>Kylo is sucking on my throat, biting me and rolling his hips into me. I can feel his hard dick through his jeans but I'm so tired I don't care. Feels kind of good. But I don't want marks on me at work. Han will kill me. </p><p>"N-no markssss..." I slur. I can't open my eyes to save my life and I feel him push my thighs up to my chest. I'm distantly aware I'm naked from the waist down but I can't find it in me to care about that either. </p><p>"Shut up, bitch." Kylo growls and I feel something hard pressing against my bare pussy, prodding at the entrance. "Go to sleep."</p><p>A bright light flashes over my face and I grimace, turning my head away. What the hell... </p><p>He's kind of rude. Hmph. <i>Well</i> then. If he... Insists... </p><p>I can just barely hear grunting and groaning while my body rocks along, like I'm on a boat in the ocean. There's a distant pain but blackness envelopes me quickly and I knock out, hard. </p><p>I dream about Ben fucking me, kissing me softly. </p><p>If only dreams came true.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on Twitter @envious_hera !</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. this is orange</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the morning after</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Follow me on Twitter @envious_hera 🖤</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wake up from coughing harshly and covered in sweat. I kick the huge blanket off of me and rub the heels of my hands into my eyes before I finally, slowly open them. It's dark, but I can tell I'm not in my room. My eyebrows draw together and I try to remember last night but nothing substantial really comes to mind... </p><p>Did I seriously knock the fuck out on his couch? My cheeks burn and guilt bubbles in my empty gut. Oh my god, how <i>embarrassing...</i> He probably thinks I'm such a lightweight... At least he moved me to his bed. That was nice. </p><p>I'm alone, which is fine because I need sometime to gather my brain together until I realize I'm only in my underwear. What the... fuck? </p><p>I stagger out of the bed and find my clothes sitting on a chair. I feel weird and wobbly and notice that my pussy is sore. I frown. My legs hurt, too. Did... Did we...? We had sex? I chew on my chapped lips and struggle into my clothes quickly. Gotta get out of here. Gotta goooo... </p><p>But instead, I sit down because I feel so light headed. So.. We definitely had sex apparently but I don't remember it? Does <i>he?</i> Or was he just as wasted as I was from the Xanax? </p><p>Did he take any, too? I don't even remember... </p><p>I groan and hold my head in my hands. My heart is pumping hard and I think I might cry. He had to have been fucked up, too. He wouldn't just... I shake my head. Nah. No way. Hot guys don't do shit like <i>that.</i> They wouldn't need to do <i>that</i>. I shake my head and swallow down the panic that's threatening to escape. </p><p>No, no - calm down, don't assume shit like that. That's not fair to just accuse someone of that. We were fucked up. Brush it under the rug and go home. Go home, eat some cereal and take a nap before work -</p><p>"Shit!" I hiss and dig around for my phone in my purse on the dresser. It's off but I turn it back on, praying it didn't die. Lucky me: it's at 77%. I blow out a gust of relief that dies quickly as my phone dings over and over again. 28 missed calls and 34 unread messages all from Ben, and only two texts from Rose. <i>Holy shit.</i> Bug much?!</p><p>Ben is <i>pissed.</i> I scroll the texts and most are questions marks, but that quickly turns into threatening to go through every neighborhood looking for my car. That text was the last one he sent, 29 minutes ago. I huff in annoyance and call him. </p><p>Fucking spaz.</p><p>He answers in the middle of the first ring. </p><p>"Where the <i>fuck</i> are you?!" He yells and it scares the shit out of me. </p><p>I pull my phone away from my ear and clear my throat, trying not to cry. I hate being yelled at and I'm already having a weird morning. </p><p>Swallow it down, brush it under the rug. It's fine. </p><p>"I'm - I'm fine! Jesus! Don't yell at me!" I try to sound bitchy but it comes out weak. </p><p>Ben is breathing heavily, quiet for a long time before he speaks again. </p><p>"Sorry - sorry." He mumbles. "Where are you? I had to have Poe cover my shift because I couldn't sleep. Are you okay? Where are you? Fuck, I'm gonna have a heart attack, Rey. I just - I kept feeling like something bad was happening and I got all freaked out and I'm sorry I just -"</p><p>I cut off his rambling, pretending that him being so worried wasn't the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. No. It's not. It's overbearing and <i>annoying.</i> He's my boss, and also my friend, but sure as shit ain't my boyfriend. </p><p>"I'm fine, Ben, shit! Really. I'm about to leave right now. Just -" I bite my lip. "Do you wanna meet up at my house? We can have breakfast or whatever since we're both playing hooky, I guess." I laugh, trying to seem light hearted. Trying. </p><p>"Yeah - yeah! I'll call in your absence and be there in ten." Ben says. I can hear the smile on his face which makes me smile, too. </p><p>"Okay, same. See you then."</p><p>"You're sure you're okay? You don't sound so good. Not to be like, dick or anything..." He murmurs, concern soaking his voice again. </p><p>I stare at the wall and answer probably too late to be convincing. "Yeah, all good! See you soon. Bye."</p><p>I hang up and rub my temples. Shitty vodka and Xanax didn't mix well... Stupid headache. I push myself off the bed again, pull on my tennis shoes and creep out of Kylo's room slowly, hoping he'd just gone to work or something and isn't here so I won't have to have the painfully awkward 'thanks for the sex, see you never again, bye!' conversation. </p><p>Luck isn't on my side, though. It never is.</p><p>The bathroom door opens as I'm creeping halfway out the door, steam pouring out and around the man I was hoping to avoid. God damn it. </p><p>I smile sheepishly, feeling way awkward, especially since he's in only a towel that's wrapped real low around his hips. His chest is sculpted and ripped, just like I figured it would be, and he has even more tattoos. I take a step back without thinking as he takes a step towards me, suddenly feeling sick. </p><p>"Leaving already?" He fakes a pout. "Was hoping we could hang out a little longer..." His eyebrow quirks. </p><p>I laugh, breathless suddenly, and shake my head too fast. "Oh, uhhhh... Can't. I got work. Gotta go. Sorry! I'll text you though. Thanks for... Last night?"</p><p>I turn on my heel and all but dash to the front door, dizzy and scared for literally no reason. He's just so big and intimidating. I open the door quickly but he shuts it and I squeak in surprise. I didn't even hear him behind me. Shit! </p><p>I look up at Kylo with wide eyes, heart pounding viciously in my chest. Oh god, oh shit, oh fuck -</p><p>Kylo narrows his dark eyes, his lips pressed together. "Are you actually gonna hit me up again? Or are you just gonna ghost me? You seem the type."</p><p>I've been called out. Fuck. </p><p>I gulp and nod quickly, tacking on a sugary smile. "Of course! I had a really good time - I just - I'm already running late and Ben is such a dick about me being late and I don't want to get another write up and lose my job, ya know, got bills and a car payment and shit." I ramble on, panting a bit with the effort to spew out all my bullshit lies. </p><p>Kylo's face is unreadable for a minute and my palms start to sweat. The reality of the situation is crushing me alive but I'm bashing it away, trying to deny it. Strangers aren't all bad people. He's not gonna kill me. He didn't rape me. It's fine. He's not gonna snap me like a twig and fuck my dead body. </p><p>Finally, Kylo smiles, the corners of his mouth lifting up slightly. "Well, alright. Whatever. Hit me up later tonight. We can go out and get drinks." </p><p>He opens the door and I slip passed him quickly, walking backwards towards my car, scared to turn my back on him. I wave as I rush out my words, wanting to run for my fucking life even though I didn't really get why. It was consensual. Rapists don't ask their victims out for a second date. It's fine, you idiot. </p><p>
  <i>Relax. </i>
</p><p>"Okay, sounds good! I'm not sure what time I'm off at yet but I'll keep you posted!" I grin, faking excitement. "See ya later tonight!" I all but nearly rip my door off the hinges after I unlock it and he watches me drive off, arms crossed over his giant chest. </p><p>I shake while I light a cigarette and speed back to my house, not wanting to be alone for even another second and I almost cry in relief when I see Ben's car sitting in my drive way. I pull in carefully, trying to keep it together and ignoring the battle in my head. I hop out and wave cheerfully at Ben as he gets out of his black Prius. He smiles, but he looks exhausted. </p><p>Damn it, my bad... </p><p>He nudges me with his elbow playfully as we walk up to my door and I look up to stick my tongue out at him but my jaw nearly falls off when I really look at him - he and Kylo could pass for twins. Holy shit, how did I not notice that before...? I look away quickly and swallow dryly. </p><p>"So..." Ben says, clearing his throat as I set my purse down and look through the fridge for bacon and eggs. "How was your uh... 'Date'?" </p><p>I stupidly answer without thinking. "You're not gonna believe this shit - it was your cousin, Kylo." I laugh, shaking my head. </p><p>Ben is dead quiet so I turn to look at him, and the expression on his face is... Weird. I shrug awkwardly and set down the food, not sure what the look is for. Maybe he's jealous. "Crazy, right? Small town, small... world..." My words trail off. </p><p>Ben is shaking, his eyes wide. </p><p>"<i>Kylo?!</i>" He hisses from clenched teeth, beyond furious. He takes a step towards me and I step back, deja vu flooding from earlier. My pulse quickens. Oh no. I shouldn't have told him that. Oh fuck. Oh no. </p><p>"Uhh... Yeah...?"</p><p>Ben shakes his head slowly, baring his crooked teeth. "He's out of prison?! Since fucking <i>when?!</i> Did he hurt you? Did he -"</p><p>Lead drops in my belly and I throw my hands up "Whoa, whoa - what the fuck you mean <i>prison?!</i>"</p><p>Suddenly, Ben grabs my by the arm and pulls me to him. He roughly turns my jaw to look at my throat and growls. He yanks me closer to, pulling me into a tight hug. I can barely breathe and I'm so confused. Do I have hickeys or something? </p><p>"Ben..." I mumble into his chest and weakly try to push him away. I don't want him to let go entirely, just a little breathing room would be nice. "What the fuck, dude? What's going on?"</p><p>Ben shivers and I realize he's about to cry. Or maybe already is. He squeezes me tighter, pushing the rest of my air supply out in a huff. </p><p>"He's a fucking monster, Rey..." He shudders, sobbing a little. His grip slackens a little and I gasp in a tiny breath. Jesus Christ. </p><p>"What do you mean? What did he do? Kill someone or something?" I whisper, not really wanting to know the answer. </p><p>Ben isn't scared of anyone; he's handled all the scuffles and crazy customers at work and I'd seen him throw down in the parking lot once or twice or 8 times. His dad, Han, owns the place and he doesn't care what happens as long as the dishes are done. </p><p>It was pretty hot to see him take down that gross jerk off who grabbed my ass, actually. But that's beside the point... What could this Kylo guy have done that so bad that it scares <i>Ben,</i> of all people? </p><p>"Ben...?" I ask again, fulling becoming terrified. </p><p>He huffs hard and sighs, sniffling. "He's a <i>monster.</i> He's done some terrible shit and I don't know how the <i>fuck</i> he got out of prison so soon... He was supposed to get over 25 fucking years!" He hisses. </p><p>"But... But what -"</p><p>Ben let's go of me then and storms away towards the kitchen window, his broad back to me, hands on the counter. He's trembling. </p><p>"Oh, well, let's see!" He holds up his fist and lifts a finger, one by one. "Drug dealer. Gang member. Attempted murder. Twice. Oh, and a serial rapist!" He spits out, totally seething. </p><p>He... <i>What?</i></p><p>It takes a minute for my brain to catch up to everything he just said, and I feel super dizzy while I stare at him.</p><p>
  <i>Shut up, bitch. Go to sleep.</i>
</p><p>Ice runs up my entire body while the words keep replaying in my head. Vague little pieces bombard me violently, everything I was ignoring earlier is now stabbing me repeatedly. Fuck. It hits me hard in the gut, making me sick. </p><p>So sick, I pull up the trash can lid and puke into it. It burns my nose and I start crying before I really, fully realize why. Ben is next to me and rubbing my back softly, muttering things I can't hear but they sound sweet. I turn to cry into his chest, fisting his shirt in my hands. </p><p>I'm so fucking stupid. Why did I meet a fucking stranger online? Why did I let him openly drug me? It wasn't consensual. I knew it wasn't - my fucking vagina told me this morning it wasn't! Oh my god. I can't deal with this shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. </p><p>Ben holds me tight again and pets my hair as he hisses into my ear:</p><p> </p><p>"I'm going to fucking kill him, Rey."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>rip rapists up into fucking pieces</p><p>rey blaming herself is not a reflection on how I feel towards victims but more as how I'd felt the first time it'd happened to me. this story is going to be dealing with a lot of survivors emotions and what not so just keep that in mind as you read this </p><p>ok thank u love u bye</p><p> </p><p>&amp; follow me on Twitter @envious_hera</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. this is yellow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>jinkies</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a lot of crying and hugging, Ben brings me with him to his house to collect clothes and weed and snacks. He's gonna camp out at my place for awhile, just to make sure I'm okay. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pretty thrilled about it. Sleep over with Ben Solo... Insert something about rainbows after tornados or whatever. </p><p>I really don't want to call the police and make a report even though Ben is demanding that I do, though. I can't. I don't want any of this to feel real. If I ignore it, then it's not real. Works fine with everything else. </p><p>Part of me thinks he's overreacting and nothing even happened that technically counts as rape. We were both fucked up, I wanted to have sex with him before the drugs. So that means it was consensual, right? I shrug to myself. Sure. That sounds like consent to me. I'll just blow him off and swept this all under the rug. </p><p>I chew on my cuticles and gaze out the windshield, listening to Atmosphere in Ben's car, waiting for him to get back. He's taking forever. It's a nice day out though, I just wish it hadn't been ruined by all this drama. I bite too hard and my finger drips blood. </p><p>Ouch. I absentmindedly suck on it and nod my head to the music. </p><p>It was consensual, even if he's a convicted rapist. No big deal. He's blowing it all out of proportion. I roll my eyes.</p><p>"This is ridiculous..." I mutter to myself and rub my face. </p><p>The other half of me, however, disagrees... </p><p>He <i>drugged</i> me. He clearly fucked me while I was asleep. That's not fucking consensual, idiot. Get real. Call the police. Make a police report. Ben is right, and it needs to be done. Kylo is clearly dangerous, and I don't know what he's capable of. Blowing him off may or not work, but legal action needs to be taken. What if he came inside me? What if he has STDs or AIDS? </p><p>I smash my eyes closed, gritting my teeth and swallow down the heavy pill of reality. I need to call the cops. I have to. Not just for me, but for any other girls he might try to do the same thing to. Fuck. My stomach churns violently, burning my extremely empty gut after puking earlier and I swallow my saliva that overflows in my mouth. </p><p>"Gotta be done. Gotta do it. Just do -"</p><p>Ben opens the door and it scares the absolute <i>dog snot</i> outta me. I jump and yell, "God <i>damn it,</i> Ben! You scared me, you dick!" I clutch at my chest and feel my heart pounding out of my ribcage. I could kill him. </p><p>Ben pauses where he is, half way in the backseat, setting his things down with his eyes wide. "Sorry, sorry... Sorry... I didn't mean to... Sorry." He whispers, moving slowly. He shuts the door gingerly and slides into the front seat, pushes the ignition button and backs out, carefully avoiding my eyes. </p><p>"Sorry again... I, uh, spoke to my dad. He's... not happy." Ben says, poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek, eyes distant. </p><p>I roll my eyes and glare at the roof of the car. Oh my god. Now Han is involved. Jesus Christ. I place my sweaty hands into my lap and crack my knuckles. </p><p>"What did he say?" I press after Ben sits in silence for a minute. </p><p>"Welp... He's trying to get ahold of my Uncle Luke and figure out just how long that cuntface has been out of prison... Mom is hysterical." He rolls his eyes and his knuckles whiten on the steering wheel. "She practically helped raise him so we try not to mention him too much."</p><p>Ben stares ahead, eyes narrowed and lips formed into a hard line. He's still pissed, and I'm sensing a little... What's the word...? </p><p>"You sound kind of jealous." I mumble and shrug. </p><p>Ben barks a sudden and bitter laugh, his eyebrows shoot up high on his forehead. "<i>Jealous?</i> No, no, no, Rey. I could <i>never</i> be jealous of him. I've never felt anything but pure fucking hatred towards him."</p><p>We pull into my driveway. </p><p>Ben throws the gear into park and smashes the ignition button off. He huffs and shakes his head, lightly laughing and glaring at the radio like it's the most offensive thing he's ever seen. </p><p>"He - he -" Ben's hands scramble around chaotically while he tries to get his words out. "He just - he was always the favorite and he -" Ben growls and his hands clench into fists, which he bangs on the dashboard and I jump back, startled. I know he won't hurt me but Jesus. </p><p>"<i>He poisons everything he touches!</i>" He hisses, venom thick on his tongue, his red face twisted in anger. </p><p>I stare with wide eyes and slowly lick my chapped lips. I've never seen Ben like this, and I don't think I like it at all. He's kind of scary... Still, I reach my hand out to him slowly and pat his shoulder. He visibly relaxes under my hand and reaches up to hold it softly. His callused thumb rubs against my skin and I smile a little. </p><p>"I - I don't really know what to say?" I shrug awkwardly. "Things are gonna be okay, though. We can just go inside, get high, watch a movie, whatever." I gently squeeze his shoulder. "Come on."</p><p>Ben smirks back at me, suddenly his old self again. "Or... We could just hot box the car. High school shit."</p><p>I clap excitedly, happy he's not mad anymore. "Yesss! I haven't done that in <i>forever!</i>"</p><p>Ben takes a pre rolled joint from behind his ear and sparks it, puffing tough on it before handing it over to me. He coughs harshly into his elbow while I take a fat rip, squeaking on my own coughs. It burns my throat like a bastard, but it tastes so fucking good. Gotta love that good ole clinic weed. </p><p>I hand it back after another hit, following the golden 'puff, puff, pass' rule. Ben sets his hand on mine and squeezes gently again. We smoke in silence for a few minutes before he holds the half joint up amongst the already too heavy veil of smoke. </p><p>"To the best slumber party ever." He grins, winking at me, before chiefing another hit. </p><p> </p><p>••••</p><p> </p><p>The sun has gone down and the moon has come up.</p><p>We're lounging on my couch with pizza boxes strewn about on my coffee table, one piece of the Marbled Brownie-Cookie left. We're smoking <i>another</i> joint, and I'm so fucking high I feel like a marshmallow being toasted over a campfire: gooey, ooey, fully baked. </p><p>I hum, content. This is nice. </p><p>Step Brothers is on and I'm laying on my side with my legs drooped over Ben's and his arms are draped behind him on the couch. This feels nice. Ben laughs and I slowly turn to watch him and I feel like this might be one of those memories I never forget. Wish I had a polaroid camera. I bet he's super photogenic. </p><p>His head is tilted back, his eyes closed, his belly heaving, and tears fall down his cheeks while Dale and Brennan sleep walk and fuck everything up. His laugh is infectious and I start laughing too because of it. He giggles and chortles while he wipes his eyes, gasping for air. </p><p>"I fucking forgot how fucking <i>funny</i> this shit is!" He gasps and leans forward, holding my legs. "Oh my god."</p><p>My cheeks burn with blush when he eventually leans back, but keeps his hands on my legs. His thumb gently rubs the cloth of my leggings like he doesn't realize he's doing it, but I'm stuck on the feeling of it. It makes my skin tingle, the sensation blooming all over my body. </p><p>It feels so good, and while I watch his thumb, I can't help but imagine how it'd feel on my clit while he had me in his lap. I bite my lip and gaze at him, wishing I had the courage I usually have with other men. But it would ruin everything if we took our friendship any further, especially because he's my boss. </p><p>Damn my morals.</p><p>I sigh, suddenly sad, but right before I finally go to tear my eyes off him, he looks at me. His eyelids are drooped low, and he has a goofy grin on his face. </p><p>"Enjoying the view?" He says and pretends to primp himself.</p><p>I shake my head and turn away quickly, feeling creepy and embarrassed. </p><p>"I - no!" I blush so hard that I know he can see it. Oh god. I pretend to turn my attention back to the movie. </p><p>Ben strokes my calf with his palm slowly and leans in towards me a little. "You don't gotta lie to kick it, Rey..." He whispers. </p><p>My heart skips a beat at how close he's inching in but I force myself to ignore his playful bullshit, something I should be used to at this point, but probably never will be. He's quiet for a minute, and I can feel his eyes on me so I cuddle more into my pillow, trying to hide my face. </p><p>"Shut up..." I grumble. </p><p>Ben laughs softly and moves even closer to my face, maybe six inches away. His arms are caging me in and I can feel his breath on my face. I glare at the television and purse my lips into a pout. Dick. </p><p>"I see the way you look at me... What are you so afraid of? You know we -"</p><p>My phone starts ringing then and I jump up from the couch, terrified. Holy shit! My heart bangs and pounds and I shakingly reach for it, panting. I'm a nervous wreck today... It's probably just Rose, calling to bug me because Ben is here and she's so fucking <i>nosey.</i></p><p>Except it's not Rose; it's Kylo. </p><p>I blink at my phone a few times before answering it. Why? No fucking clue. </p><p>"H-hello?" I tremble. </p><p>"Hello, little kitty cat. Did you forget we had plans?" Kylo murmurs. He sounds strange, maybe even a little mad. Fuck. </p><p>"Oh... I'm sorry. I had to leave work because I was sick." I gulp and scratch my neck nervously. I can feel Ben watching me, so I glance and to no surprise, he is - and he looks furious again. Fuck. </p><p>"Hang. Up." He growls from the couch, frozen where he was before I rocketed up. </p><p>I shake my head throw my hands up agitated, as if to say 'Yeah, I don't want to be doing this either!' This is killing my high and making me sick. Fuck. </p><p>Kylo is dead quiet and I realize too late he heard Ben. Fuck. </p><p>"Oh. Is that so? Poor baby. Who is there with you, then?" Kylo drawls, definitely angry, but quietly so. It's creepy. Very creepy. </p><p>"Who? No one. That was the tv. Watching Step Brothers." I look at Ben and shrug, like it helps my story. </p><p>I'm such a shit liar. I rub my face, nervous to be caught lying for some reason. What is he gonna do? He can't do shit. Especially when I call in the police report. Asshole. </p><p>"Mm. Sure, kitty cat... Then let me come over. I'll make you feel better. Better than whoever you're with." He purrs, still an edge to his voice. </p><p>I'm starting to sweat, but Ben will keep me safe. Emboldened with his presence, I start to spout off. Very stupid of me, but just a bag of potato cops, once I start... </p><p>"Yeah, I'm sure. Well you know, <i>your</i> 'Xanax' or whatever you gave me last night made me real fucking sick today and I had to miss out on work because of it!" An angry tear spills, and then another. I rub them away, pissed. "And you left hickies on me! I'm not hanging out with you again! You - you - you're a fucking -"</p><p>Kylo cuts me off then, chuckling lightly. </p><p>"Listen, kitten, as fond as I am of your voice, you need to cut the bullshit lies with me. You didn't go to work, you stayed home - with <i>Benjamin</i> of all people. His Prius is parked right outside." </p><p>Kylo laughs, as if this is funny but my heart drops, as does my jaw. </p><p>What. </p><p>The. </p><p>Fuck. </p><p>He's outside?! </p><p>I'm frozen, stuck to the spot. Holy shit. Holy shit. I pull the phone from my face and press the speaker button, holding it up for Ben to hear because I wasn't going to be able to tell him. I don't think I'll be able to speak again. </p><p>"Mmm. Speechless? Good. Now you listen to me, little kitty... Either you prance your pretty little ass out here, get in my fucking car, and be a good little fucking girl, or... I'm going to make your life a living fucking hell for all this disobedience. Your choice. Oh, and since I'm on speaker phone: hey, Ben. Long time, no see."</p><p>Ben and I stare at each other for a moment, both of our eyes bugged open wide, before he jumps up and rips the phone out of my hand. </p><p>"She's not going ANYWHERE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF -" Ben yells, shoving his finger into the screen of my phone, puffed up and vicious. </p><p>"Have it your way then." Kylo sighs. </p><p>The line clicks. </p><p>"- SHIT! I'LL TEAR YOU THE FUCK APART AND GRIND YOUR BONES INTO - fuck, he hung up." Ben mutters, shoulders slumping in momentary defeat. "Fucking dick..."</p><p>Ben sprints out the front door after ripping it open and yells something at Kylo I can't make out, except something about Kylo being a bitch. I hear a car peel off and drive away and then Ben is back, beet red and panting. </p><p>"You still got his address? I couldn't see the license plate number..." Ben asks, but I can't do anything but nod, my jaw still on the floor. He knows where I fucking live. He knows I didn't go to work. He knows too much about me already. Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. </p><p>
  <i>Shit!</i>
</p><p>I start crying and Ben tugs me to him, wrapping an arm around me while he dials a number into his phone. He coos sweetly into my hair while he rests his cheek on my head. </p><p>"Shh.. Shh... It's okay, Rey. It's okay. Shhh..." </p><p>I hear Han's voice, gruff as always, on the other line of the phone. </p><p>"Ben?"</p><p>"Dad..." Ben breathes. "He knows where she lives. Call Chewie."</p><p>"Fuck." Han swears. "Yeah. Alright, son. On it."</p><p>Ben hangs up and tosses his phone behind us on the couch. He holds me closer and nuzzles against me while I shake and sob, gripping onto the back of his shirt with my fists. </p><p>"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He whispers over and over. </p><p>I can't think straight. I'm fucked. So fucked - and so is Ben. </p><p>"I'm sorry, too." I whisper and clench my teeth, grinding them like I always do when I'm anxious. "I'm so sorry."</p><p> </p><p>This is all my fault.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Follow me on Twitter @envious_hera 🖤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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